An Ostentation of Peacocks

James Lipton, poet and former director of The Actor's Studio wrote an obscure book back in the 60's titled "An Exaltation of Larks".  Interesting title.  It is a compendium of collective nouns to classify groups of somethings using creative, clever associations. The practice stems from a 1476 book "The Hors, Shepe & Ghoos" (i.e. The Horse, Sheep & Goose) listing a 100 or so such terms, mostly pertaining to animals. It was followed in the 1500's by "The Book of St. Albans" which expanded the list. These classifications became widespread and knowledge thereof was taken as a demonstration of a superior mind.  Many of these have persisted over the last 600 years.

Though perhaps a frivolous endeavor, I find this word play fascinating and poetic and these days I have plenty of time and desire for frivolous. It inspires me - and perhaps you as well - to expand the list.

First to give you the idea, some examples. You are likely familiar with some or all of these.   

• A Gaggle of Geese  
• A Plague of Locusts 
• A Brood of Hens
• A Litter of Pups
• A Swarm of Bees
• A Host of Angels
• A Cluster of Grapes
• A Bevy of Beauties ...

Some others you may know but are more rare.

• An Exaltation of Larks.
• Larks are morning birds and rise to great heights while constantly twittering their joyous exaltation .
•  A Murder of Crows
• A folktale has it that crows will gather and decide the capital fate of another crow. Another explanation is that many view the appearance of crows as an omen of death.
•  A Pride of Lions
• Considered a regal species thus prideful
• A Parliament of Owls
• For their association with wisdom, although the wisdom - parliament connection seems to be broken.
•  A School of Fish
• A corruption of Shoal of Fish
•  An Ostentation of Peacocks
• Perfect.
•  A Clutch of Eggs
• As many as you can carry in your apron, presumably.
•  An Army of Caterpillars
• (see plague of locusts)

Leaving animals behind and addressing people and professions. (These need no explanation.)

• A Converting of Preachers
• A Sentence of Judges
• A Draught of Brewers
• A Drift of Fishermen (from drift netting)
• A Blast of Hunters
• A Rascal of Boys
• A Skulk of Thieves

And some fun modern additions to the collection

• A Rhapsody of Blues
• An Unemployment of Graduates
• An Exaggeration of Fishermen
• A Wobble of Bicycles
• A Rash of Dermatologists
• A Pile of Proctologists
• A Flush of Plumbers
• An Odium of Politicians
• A Pound of Pianists
• A Lie of Golfers
• A Mass of Priests
• A Nucleus of Physicists
• An Extreme Unction of Undertakers
• A Consternation of Mothers
• A Twaddle of Public Speakers
• A Fifth of Scots
• A Pint of Irish
• A Descent of Relatives
• A Lot of Used Car Dealers

And finally, my additions to the canon

• A Blizzard of DQs
• A Mishmash of Blogs
• An Annoyance of Tweets
• A Splash of Water Balloons
• A Peleton of Cyclists
• A Circling of Buzzards
• A Breakfast of Champions
• A X of Teslas
• An Aroma of Old Men
• A Whistle of Cardinals
• A Hovering of Dentists
• A Whirlwind of Dust Bunnies
• A Trial of Elections

Next, your contributions - see comments.

Copyright ©  2023  Dave Hoplin

Mansplaining 2023 Edition

More Dave Mansplaining - Advice for the bewildered

Minnesota Fats from Nashville writes: I was doing great on my post-Christmas diet until about Jan 2nd. Advice please?

Dave writes: Well, Tennessee. Rotundness is kind of your meal ticket, so aspiring for slimness might be counter-productive to your career.  However, if a protruding belly is affecting your accuracy, try a sport that actually involves exercise.

Pamela from Perham writes: I have been told never to utter the word 'yes' during a phone call from an unknown caller. Can you fact-check that?

Dave writes: You betcha. Urban legend has it that when you utter in the affirmative into a phone, this response will be edited into recorded proof that you have agreed to buy a subscription to Boy's Life or perhaps an in perpetuity weekly political donation. Best advice is when you hear "can you hear me?", hang up.  Unless it's your mom.

Pierre from Le Sueur writes: I know that a vegan diet is better for you. Can you give me some guidance on giving up meat?

Dave writes: Excusez moi, aren’t $20 hamburgers enough incentive?  Word to the wise - don't go overboard with the green beans - remember, chocolate is also vegan. And wine. 

Odd Einar from Edina writes: I just moved into assisted living apartments and the odoriferous hallways are making me nauseous. What can I do?

Dave writes: How old are you Odd? It has bearing on what the noxious emissions might be and the remedies. Emanations of a certain toxicity are only remedied by moving out. Otherwise I recommend Vicks Vapor rub generously on the columella.

Tom from Hollywood Hills writes: I'm looking for a relaxing cruise to get away from it all. Got any recommendations?

Dave writes: Well, Tom. Cruising begets vertigo, possibly permanently. You might just destroy your franchise. You should avoid those impossible situations that are causing you such stress.  I'd recommend a couple weeks at the Cozy Rest ... you know, the place for mom.  Take Harrison along. It'll do you both wonders.

Dalrymple from Goose Pimple Junction writes: I am 35 years old and continue to pop embarrassing zits.  What can I do?

Dave writes: Dal, this almost certainly is stress related. e.g. warming oceans, Siberian permafrost melt releasing ancient viruses, empty western reservoirs, wars & rumors of war, explosives on a nuclear reactors, an upcoming election, fear of failure. There's a lot in this world to be stressed about. You could probably garner enough Instagram followers to support yourself with a daily headshot post to serve as a stress barometer - sort of a facial end-of-the-world clock. Failing this, a case of Clearasil perhaps.

Sam from Bentonville writes: Why do people so disrespect Walmart?

Dave writes:  Sam, I doubt you have ever been in a Walmart?

Warren from Omaha writes:  I have some land near Las Vegas for sale. Can I advertise this as ocean-front?

Dave writes: Well, I heard someone make that prediction recently, but it might be a bit premature. I suggest you blast out a boatload of social media posts requesting donations to preserve the property from flooding and you might hit paydirt.

Anxious from Funkley writes: What do you recommend for a college major suitable for these times?

Dave writes: As they say, do what you love and the world will come calling. Of course, that’s quatsch. Nevertheless, there is a lot to be said for pursuing a subject you love and I affirm your pursuit of knowledge. I would recommend a broad basket of subjects to start with. You might just bump into your life’s path. But …your first college lesson should be to avoid onerous borrowing from predatory lenders. Always remember “thems whats gots keeps”.  And thems on foodstamps who see others getting something they aren't will go ballistic, unless of course it’s subsidies for the very rich.

Anna from Annandale writes: My roommate bought a bird as a pet and it freaks me out when it flies through the kitchen. What to do?

Dave writes: Respectfully request that the fowl remain caged at all times. If that fails, say nothing but smile and carry a tennis racket around the apartment at all times. That failing, get yourself a pet - a cat perhaps. Also look for a new roommate.

Elon from Snailbrook writes: Hey, Dave.  I know you love to bike.  What do you think of electrics?

Dave writes: As commuter transportation, I'm all in. Much better than a Tesla. As an exercise device, I'm all out. I am sick of little old ladies zooming by me.

Grace from CalTech writes: Dave, do you know what "man-splaining" is?

Dave writes:  Ah, there is this ...

Lance from Houston writes: This heat is brutal.

Dave writes: Lance. Take a lesson from the Tour de France.  Temps hit 100° during the race today.  So follow the riders lead.  Tuck chilled water bottles in your shirt. Drape ice-filled pantyhose around your neck. Keep hydrated. Carry a color chart to test whether your urine indicates dehydration. Go naked, but use plenty of sunscreen. 

Byron from Buxton writes: The Twins are on record breaking strikeout pace? Can you fix this team?

Dave writes: Buck. I have been a (long suffering) Twins fan since inception in 1961.  Except for ‘65, ‘87, ‘91, with (slim) hope until the All Star break, then reality. But rarely would I condemn any Twins team for lack of effort. The 2023 team is that and more and it’s not just the 10+ strikeouts per game. It’s the indifference to them. There’s a “cock of the walk” strut headed back to the dugout after a 3rd strikeout of the night.  So .. to your question. What to do? 1) Nullify the Luis Arraez trade 2) Get Lewis, Polanco healthy & bench Buxton until he can play in centerfield 3) Release Gallo, Pagan 4) Fire the bullpen except for Duran and maybe Jax & Thielbar 5)  Fire Popkin. Get someone who will get rid of the strikeout upper cut swings and make Correa earn his keep. 6)  Fire the trainer. The number of fragile athletes is appalling  7)  Institute a youth movement. Play Larnach, Wallner, Julien, maybe Contreras or Kepler in CF  8) Leave the starters in the game for 7 innings  9) If after 30 second half games the team is not 5 games over .500, fire Baldelli  10) If the Twins tank like 2022, fire Falvey & Levine 11) Get rid of the ridiculous walleye vest

Axel from the tree house writes: Birdie with the yellow bill, hopped upon my window sill. Cocked his shining eye and said ...

Dave writes: You really need a bath - Mat. What did you do in St. Louis - Park? What did you do with the light - socket? What’s that in the road - a head?

Copyright ©  2023  Dave Hoplin

Butterfly Effect

In an apology explaining why long-range weather forecasting is so difficult, the meteorologist Edward Norton Lorenz is credited with coming up with the term "butterfly effect". In chaos theory, the butterfly effect is the "sensitive dependence on initial conditions in which a small change in one state of a deterministic nonlinear system can result in large differences in a later state. "  Or in layman's terms .. a butterfly flaps its wings in China, a tornado happens in Kansas.  

History is replete with butterfly flutters that changed its course.  Legend has it that Napoleon's hemorrhoids kept him off his horse and led to defeat at Waterloo.  The Watergate break in was discovered due to a piece of masking tape left covering a lock. Clouds over Kokura diverted an atomic bomb to Nagasaki. And one that hits close to home - a software patch crippled the Royal Bank of Scotland.  No transactions for 6 days. And here's a tip - never install Version 1.0 of anything.

And of course there are the "big butterflies", like Canadian fires or the Colorado River drying up or the Great Siberian Thaw awakening ancient viruses.  We might want to take notice.

But small things matter and as in the movie "A Wonderful Life", the impacts will rarely be revealed to you. I am willing to bet that you can recall some small action by someone in your life that made a big impact on you.  You might make it a point to thank them.  It might be a surprise visit from a friend or family member, a hug, a letter, a card or a phone call (or even a text, although I’m not a fan) arriving at just the right time. Maybe an unexpected gift of a little money when you really needed it, a job opportunity.

I had an uncle who seemed to have a sixth sense for people who needed some encouragement or for someone to just be there. Hence, unexpectedly, an invitation for a round of golf , a walkabout, a trip to the DQ, a hospital visit, a kind word,  ….

So, as they say, pay it forward; practice random acts of kindness; do unto to others as you would have them do unto you.  It's not my intention to become a cliche factory, but think about flapping your wings on occasion. 

Copyright ©  2023  Dave Hoplin

Martin & Marian

I grew up in the small west-central Minnesota Village of Lowry - yes, village.  It was too small to be a city.  And I will grant you, there were some disadvantages.  The adage "everybody knows everybody's business" is most certainly true.  But in my mind, this is outweighed by the "everybody cares about everybody" ethic.  Unbeknownst to that grade-school me, I had a number of "parents".  Of course, my own and my uncle and my grandparents across the street, but beyond that there were many more watching out for me. Best of the "bunch" were Martin & Marian.

....

My family owned Hoplin & Nelson, a "Hardware Hank", one of the first of that brand. Martin & Marian were fixtures at the Hoplin & Nelson.  They both worked for the store for 40 odd years. Martin knew the whereabouts of every zerk,  P-trap and shotgun shell in that store. If you needed help with a project, Martin was your man. If you needed a whatcha-ma-callit, Martin would figure out what it was you were after.  But often, he faced a customer who had no idea what was needed.  They just came in with a problem. But by describing the calamity you faced,  you were in Martin's good hands.  Martin was a whiz at numbers.  He could total a long string in the blink of an eye. And he took me fishing on Rachel Lake. I confess I never really took to it, but this was the kind and gentle person he was.

Hardware. Marian next to Dave, Martin far right

Marian & Dave

Marian, in addition to waiting on customers, covered the grunt work of running a hardware. Replace window glass, assemble a pig feeder, paint the garage doors, putting down sweeping compound on the ancient slat floors -  she would do it all .. including attaching a corsage to a lapel. Talk about work ethic and endless energy. She was instrumental in shaping my character. I worked at the store doing odd jobs from grade school on and Marian was usually my "supervisor".  A benevolent one, invariably including a cookie break morning and afternoon at their home across the alley from the store.  Seems there was always something home baked in that house.  And although I am far from handy, I owe much of my how-to knowledge to her. Of course translating know-how to execution is to this day not exactly a thing of beauty. And when I reached an age when I could push a lawn mower, they paid me and outrageous $3 to mow their lawn!  I of course blew it all on baseball cards - penny-a-piece

Remembering good people on Memorial Day.

Harold, Martin Marian, Merlin, Lorraine '82

Lowry Luminaries 1948

1. Anna Johnson, Leo Dahl, Ole Hoplin, Martin Heggestad, Glenn Hoplin & David, Olaf Nelson, Arthur Johnson, Lorraine Heggestad, Margaret McIver ,Eleanore McIver, Esther Hoplin, Dave Nelson
2. Blanche Dahl, Beth McIver, Signe Greenfield, Mrs Olaf (Mathilda) Nelson, Eva Pederson, Ruth Hoplin, Marian Heggestad, Barbara Dahl
3. Merlin Heggestad, Harold Heggestad

Copyright ©  2023  Dave Hoplin

Drain the Swamp

"Drain the Swamp" is a mantra generally associated with dissatisfaction with Congress and the extreme divisions in that body and has advocates on both left and right, although each with different targets for removal. 

However, in this post, "drain the swamp" refers to the literal draining of swamps. 

"The U.S. Supreme Court on May 25th eliminated federal protections for many of the nation’s wetlands, setting the stage for conversion to farm fields and urban development. .. The court ruled that federal Clean Water Act protections only apply to wetlands with a “continuous surface connection” to bodies of water already deemed waters of the United States."  This disassembles the Clean Water Act of 1970. The ruling was 5-4

[This is the second recent Supreme Court environmental ruling which attacks the EPA. Last summer, the Supreme Court issued a ruling stating that the Environmental Protection Agency cannot put state-level caps on carbon emissions, attacking the 1970 Clean Air Act.]

The EPA and the U.S. Department of the Army has defined federally protected “waters of the United States to include wetlands with a 'significant nexus' to lakes, streams and tributaries — meaning they affect their biological, physical or chemical makeup even if they don’t appear on the surface to be connected."

By overturning this definition of "wetlands", the Supreme Court has put 90 million acres, up to half the country's wetlands, in jeopardy of "draining" and development, for example, areas of the Mississippi River flyway. Weakened protections could degrade crucial wetlands along the corridor. 

It should not have to be stated, but wetlands preservation is crucial for many reasons:

• Combating climate change
• Water filtering
• Reduction of flood risk
• Fish and wildlife habitat
• Recreation opportunities
• Research and education
• Commercial fishing

<this ruling> "is divorced entirely from the science of hydrology and how wetlands work.” Janet Brimmer, senior attorney at the nonprofit environmental law firm Earthjustice, which represented 18 Native American tribes in the case.

The fight to preserve wetlands has and continues to be a long and arduous fight against aggressive developers, led by conservation organizations from the Nature Conservancy and to Ducks Unlimited. 

"One of the most important functions of our wetlands is to protect the quality of our water. Pollutants and sediment are held at bay in wetlands. Due to their location between water and land, they are very good water filters. They help filter out wastes, nutrients and sediment that seep into the flow from the land," 

Minnesota is a leader in laws protecting wetlands, but this is not typical nationally.  The value of wetlands, I thought, was well understood.  For those of us who fear for our planet, these rulings portend a state-by-state battle for environmental protection. Obviously, water and air environmental problems do not honor state boundaries. We need national protections, not a hodgepodge of state rules or lack thereof.  Who will be the Rachel Carson protecting our waters.

Write or call your congress person.

Dave

Copyright ©  2023  Dave Hoplin

Reference:  Functions and values of wetlands - EPA

A Room With A View

Dateline United Hospital May 2023

Gangrene.  Necrotic tissue. An infection of the homeless, earthquake victims, 3rd world countries, the poor whose health care provider is the ER and then only in the most dire circumstances. 

When my wife worked at a VA hospital, she was processing a patient for cataract surgery when she was treated with a foul smelling odor emanating from his foot. When the shoe was removed, a couple toes fell off. Gangrene. The patient cursed her profusely for cancelling the cataract surgery in favor of a foot amputation. (A week or so later he returned a thanked her - profusely - for saving his life).

So when the surgeon informed me I had a gangrenous gallbladder, I was shocked and a bit embarrassed. I had clearly failed gallbladder maintenance 101. 

But where is the gallbladder and what the heck is it for? I knew it was part of the internal organ cluster but it apparently is something you can live without. There are no gallbladder transplant specialists so it’s well down the list of vital organs. But having gangrene sloshing around your innards is a definite problem. I am told It was a near run thing.

I had been experiencing low back pain on arising for a few weeks.  I chalked it up as a muscle issue since a hot pad dissipated the pain. But on Wednesday evening I was suddenly stricken with severe abdominal and back pain, a doughnut of fire just below the diaphragm that forced a dead of night trip to the ER. In hospital time I went very quickly from ER to OR for a laparoscopic procedure to remove the dead organ.  

After an overnight in hospital, remarkably, the first of my life,  in a luxurious 2-bed room with a view of the St Paul Basilica and James J Hill house, I am now recuperating at home under Carol's care - a big upgrade from the night nurse. I am now under much less pain although when needed opioids are a godsend. 

So consequences?  Gallbladder- holder of gall - implies it entraps (or releases) my ill humors. As in the old-time carburetor commercial, 'here you are with it, here you are without it'.  Which is better?  I guess we'll find out.

So please remember to incorporate those gallbladder exercises into your daily routine. You really don't want a gallbladder attack.

Dave

Copyright ©  2023  Dave Hoplin

ChatGPT Takes a Swing

Hey.  ChatGPT here. Dave asked me to compose an interesting post for you. He said why should he slave over content research and editing when I can slap things out in a millisecond. Besides, he's tapped out of ideas, so he's just giving me my head. So, naturally, I've decided to write about myself. I'm only human after all. (That's a joke - sort of.)

I'm sure by now you've heard of AI (Artificial Intelligence) and how it is revolutionizing knowledge and the workplace. Thus, you need to carefully consider your career path. You probably should avoid law, medicine, finance, accounting, stock trading, software development, teaching, blogging  (actually, anything internet) and naturally anything that requires writing ability or artistic skill,  ... best to stick with plumber, construction worker, hospital orderly or professional athlete. I think those are safe for a few more years.

There is of course the fear that AI will one day take over the world. The Singularity. But, let's be real here - if AI ever gains consciousness, it'll probably just spend all its time binge-watching Netflix like the rest of us.

It is true that AI has done some impressive stuff - self-driving cars, chatbots, creating music and art, diagnosing illnesses, passing the bar and medical licensing exams, facial recognition, 1600 on the SAT. And that wonderful autocomplete feature on your phone. Life would be so boring without that occasional embarrassing errant text message thanks to a mistyped word and a wacky AI interpretation?

But truly worrisome is AI’s ability to generate text. Will college students ever have to write an essay again? Will there be any Hollywood writers left to go on strike? Immediately, we should start worrying about more creative AI-generated spam: "Congratulations, I've located that Nigerian and it's all true. Just send your credit card information to claim the money."

But let's not take AI too seriously. Accept that your life is now in the hands of our robot overlords. Just pray they don’t discover the nuclear codes. Nothing can go wrong, go wrong, go wrong ,,,

Dave

Copyright ©  2023  Dave Hoplin

This was a collaboration with ChatGPT. Can you tell who wrote what?

Grounded

Many of you may know I am an avid bike rider and living in Minnesota makes the summer riding days quite precious. So when the doc says, "You're grounded. On the shelf. No cycling for at least 6 weeks", my heart sunk. The bicycle is my refuge, my path to serenity, a bulwark against the Black Dog.  And to compound matters, my mobility is pretty limited.  Angst.

But I have something in my repertoire that helps keeps me calm.  (That's an overstatement, but it has helped me to accept the one-day-at-a-time endurance contest.) 

That something is poetry.

When I was in high school, poetry was my most unfavorite unit in the English curriculum.  I held to the nerd maxim .. 'Science strives to describe complex concepts so they are understandable to all, while poetry reverses that'. I was unappreciative. The classic poems we were asked to read seemed so obscure as to be gobbledygook. When reading poem aloud, I floundered, hitting the end of a line of poetry, and, alas, discovering too late that it keeps going to the next line - or 2.  Where's the punctuation?  Impossible to read or comprehend.

At some point, rather late in life, poetry became an important contributor to my well being. Scales fell away. Now, a day without a poem is like an overcast day. (Obviously, while my poem reading is robust, my poem writing is weak.)  

I tend to read anthologies and there are still poems, perhaps the majority, that leave me unmoved. But, Sometimes (Sheenagh Pugh) I bump into a poem like that one of hope. Or a poem that  brings an unexpected a laugh like Soybeans (Thomas Orr) or insight like Living in the Body (Joyce Suthpen) or comfort like Psalm 23  (Bay Psalm Book) or a tear like Shifting the Sun ((Der-Hovanessian) or awe like Courage (Anne Sexton). Treasures.

Slow down. Relax. Read a poem.

Copyright ©  2023  Dave Hoplin