Thursday, September 7, 2023

Popular Books

My mother was an avid reader of fiction, a gene I inherited. She subscribed to the Book-of-the-Month Club and as a teen I eagerly awaited those monthly deliveries and devoured most of them. Traditionally, the choices were from "emerging authors" and not "popular" writers. As I remember you could refuse the editors' choice and choose an alternate. What a feast.

Recently I have read three "popular" books that have given me the urge to wax eloquent over them.  Of course, this urge toward eloquence and the implementation rarely correspond, so I beg to temper your expectations here. I generally try to avoid "popular" books, lengthy best seller dwellers or Oprah's picks or even Pulitzer winners. Booker Prize shortlist is usually a pretty good bet. I may be a book snob. When I indulge in the popular, I am frequently disappointed. But I have found there are exceptions to the rule.

Two of the three books have been subjected to criticism for "cultural appropriation", the author condemned for appropriating a subject which is foreign to their own culture and life experiences. I believe this is quatsch. What a boring body of work we would have if authors only wrote within the constructs of their own experiences and culture. No one should be able to tell a writer what they can or cannot write about. The human imagination is beyond restricting. But of course, all writing can and should be subject to criticism, for quality of writing, factual or style reasons - even this blog post - but don't tell me Dickens shouldn't write about the French Revolution or Tolstoy about Napoleon's winter campaign or Stowe about slavery. What is a fiction writer's job if not to imagine the lives of others? Has no one heard of "research"? The vast majority of published books are by white authors so perhaps a better question is who is allowed to utilize their imagination. And it's a fair question to ask, has the work crossed a line into exploitation rather than art.  [Note: I urge you to read the thought provoking deep dive on the subject in NY Times Magazine article "What Does Cultural Appropriation Really Mean?". It's a pretty long, but fascinating read.]

So enough on that and onto the waxing eloquent. Coincidentally, all these books are by white American women. As a testimony to their broad popularity, all three are spawning films, although that does not of itself recommend them.

The first book is American Dirt by Jeanine Cummins. 

This is the story of a Latino woman and her 8 year old son fleeing Mexico from a drug cartel that has murdered her investigative reporter husband and much of her family. It is a story of desperation and kindnesses and a fraternity of refugees on the run, walking and hitchhiking on freight trains on their journey to the US border. Although highly praised, the cultural appropriation controversy was so great that her book tour had to be cancelled for fear for her safety. The accusations are of cultural stereotyping but the book provides a sympathetic view of refugees, which I believe was her intent. NYT asks "Jeanine Cummins's much-anticipated novel “American Dirt,” about Mexican migrants crossing to America, is well intentioned. Is that enough?"  You must decide for yourself. (Imperative Entertainment has the film rights. Spoiler alert: NPR review)


The second book is Horse by Geraldine Brooks

I was #59 on the Dakota County Library digital hold list and after a few weeks I bubbled to the top. Horse is the story of Lexington (1850-1875), widely believed to be the greatest Kentucky thoroughbred and sire in American history. (e.g. sire of U.S. Grant’s mount, Cincinnati and of Preakness, namesake of the Preakness Stakes). The controversy here is around the imagined role of Jarret, the black slave groom of Lexington who is portrayed as the trainer and guide to Lexington's success. There is some evidence for this as accomplished black horsemen were well known in the pre-Civil War south. In addition to this main thread of the novel, there are fascinating side stories around equine art history, pre-Civil War 4 mile challenge races, Smithsonian articulation of horse skeletons. It’s a great read. The only downside for me was the ending, a contrived (in my view) incident designed to facilitate a moralizing conclusion.  (Sony Pictures has the film rights. Spoiler alert: WaPo review)


The third book is Lessons in Chemistry by Bonnie Garmus

Attesting to its popularity, the Dakota County Library digital hold list on Bonnie Garmus' first novel was > 300, so I decided I could wait a year to read this one. Serendipitously, the next day a box arrived from a cousin in Seattle and therein lay a pristine hard copy of Lessons in Chemistry. Holy coincidence. This is the story of Elizabeth, a gifted research chemist in the 1950's, who is subjected to male chauvinism and intense job discrimination with her work being co-opted and credit taken by bosses and male chemist "colleagues". Some might say little has changed. Elizabeth eventually abandons her research career but finds a job hosting a TV cooking show, "Dinner at Six", that becomes wildly successful and where she subversively teaches chemistry and assertiveness to an almost exclusively female studio audience. The ending of the book is a bit smarmy and feel good and perhaps unrealistic for the times, but nevertheless a great read and a lesson in why we do not want to go "back to the 50's".  (Soon to be an Apple TV series. Spoiler alert: WaPo review)

Bon Appetit

Copyright ©  2023  Dave Hoplin

Friday, September 1, 2023

Brain Drain






Brain Drain!  Possibly the best compliment I've ever received. Of course, brain drain literally means ‘losing our minds’ so I should perhaps stay humble.

In the spring of '71 I had a newly minted Master's Degree from Montana State University and having TA’d a number of freshman level math classes, I was convinced I should become a professor. Unfortunately (or fortunately) there were a glut of candidates for every college or junior college level position in the places we were willing to relocate to. Harkening high school math classes, I did not want to go there. In any case, I did not have education credits needed for certification. Nor did I want to continue graduate studies trying to achieve fame by finally proving Fermat’s Last Theorem. [Nerd interlude: no three positive integers a,b,c satisfy the equation a^n + b^n = c^n for any integer value of n > 2. As a matter of interest this was finally proven by British mathematician, Andrew Wiles in 1995. It took him 7 years and the proof runs to 127 pages] 



What to do? Time to earn a living. 


A friend, a MSU PhD candidate pointed me at an ad posted by the Hansestadt Hamburg Schulbehorde seeking math and science teachers to come to Hamburg, Germany and teach in their school system. And on a whim, I applied  and was accepted. Now what?  We had newborn Matt and would face a trip across the pond for up to 2 years of who knows what. The grandparents were not thrilled.  But youth will have out and off we went.







Immigrant shock

I was one of 73 Americans to answer Hamburg's call. This was a radical, perhaps desperate, solution to an extreme teacher shortage. It was an impressive group, mostly Chemistry, Physics, Biology and Mathematics PhD's with a few 90 lb weakling Masters degrees like myself. Many went on to illustrious careers back in the USA. A good friend, Don, became a physicist at Los Alamos Labs. Many returned to professorships all around the country. 

We didn't think of ourselves as immigrants, but that was in fact what we were. Privileged immigrants to be sure. We had an income, help finding living quarters, a built-in community of fellow "immigrants", so it was not the traumatic, terror filled experience of refugees but we had to learn the nuances of a new culture. I know, 1st world problem.

We landed at Hamburg Flughafen to great fanfare - surprisingly.  Reporters eager to get a few quotes from the Gastlehrer.  We stood out holding a 3 month old.

We were loaded on buses and stopped at various locations to drop off a few people at a time ... until we were the only people left on the bus.  We were dropped off at an empty school dorm. WTH. Apparently, they felt a family with an infant needed to be isolated.  Protesting fell on deaf ears. Pretty depressing first day.

Month-long intensive German language classes began immediately - I had 2 years of German at Augsburg, but rust rust rust. My return to studenthood left Carol and baby to wander the neighborhoods.  Carol was recognized as apparently we had appeared on the nightly news, so I think that overcame Prussian "reserve". The people she would meet were welcoming and would try to converse, even attempting English. A kindly resident offered a "stroller" for Matt and we wore the wheels off that thing over the next year (see Bahnhof photo below).

262 am barls, Lurup

After a couple of weeks of dorm living, we were told an apartment had been secured for us and several other American teachers in a brand new apartment complex in Lurup, a NW Hamburg suburb. We secured nice quarters - and the justifiable anger of those families who were on the waiting list for these apartments and were bumped by these carpet-bagger Americans. The apartments were completely unfurnished so we had to scramble to find some cheap stuff.  We bought a bed and a crib but most of the rest of the household was furnished through "Sperrmüll", the once a month, put your unwanted stuff on the curb garbage service. We scrounged up a decent sofa , table, chairs  - and we bought a BBC capable Grundig radio for our entertainment.




Matt was a hit with the kids.
Monday is bedding airing day



Fried water

The Commute

We soon discovered that bureaucratic ineptitude is universal. Charlotte-Paulsen Gymnasium, the school I was assigned to, is in Wansbek, a NE suburb of Hamburg. Our apartment was in Lurup, a NW suburb and the commute required a street car to the train station, train to central Hamburg Hauptbahnhof and a transfer to a subway line and a 6 block to the school. An hour commute by Strassenbahn, S-Bahn, U-Bahn. And reverse that in the afternoon. I had a 4-zone transit pass. Happily the Hamburg transit system is fantastic, but it was still a lot of riding. Sort of like a commute from Mendota Heights to Blaine - via transit. For reference, Hamburg is a city of 2 million.



The School

Charlotte-Paulsen Gymnasium (CPG) is a girls' secondary school coincidentally named for Charlotte Paulsen, a social reformer & womens' rights activist from the mid-1800's. The school consisted of Uterstufe, levels 5-7; Mittelstufe, levels 8-10 and Oberstufe, levels 11-13.  CPG was an all girls school, but was in the second year of converting to co-ed by admitting boys to the incoming 5 grade class. The Mittelstufe graduated students after 10th grade and at that point they had to decide between Gymnasium, Trade School or work. Too young, but of course the parents made that decision. Students who completed Gymnasium almost always went on to University.

The Oberstufe students were pretty impressive, with drive and a burning desire to learn. There was healthy, and perhaps some unhealthy, levels of competition among the students for grades. The expectations upon them were high - I was teaching algebra concepts at 5th grade!  An interesting side story. A student was transferring from CPG to Bavaria. Her teachers met and "updated" her transcript since naturally the Prussian Hamburg schools were vastly superior to the Bavarian, so the updated transcript was sent south.

I taught an 11th grade class that consisted of a group assembled especially for me. Each student had been an exchange student in an English speaking country, usually Britain. So I could teach  this class auf English. What a pleasure. The young women were great. But I think it was the "English" part of the math class that was the draw. I took them out for ice cream instead of holding class one lovely Spring day. No one squealed on me.

The 5th grade class was another story. A raucous group of boys & girls. Teaching in a 2nd language is much more difficult than I had imagined. Try coming up with multiple ways to explain something with a limited vocabulary. Frustrating beyond words. Luckily I was teaching Math and the terms translated easily to German, but still. I felt sorry for the Chem & Physics & Biology folk.

The fellow CPG teachers were kind, for the most part. The younger staff were eager to talk about America. One teacher invited us to their home for a meal - a long commute. We were riding the train - and speaking english of course - and a fellow passenger seemed overly interested in our conversation.  We got off at the same stop and he then guided us to his home. He was the husband of the CPG teacher. They served us eel appetizers. Sketchy for a landlubber.

The older staff clearly had WWII pasts, including a couple with artificial limbs. I never had the courage to ask. Frau Bottiger, the head-mistress, told me that as a university student during the war, she chose math mainly because it was not "politiche".  One staff member, Wulf & his wife, sort of took us under his wing and helped us navigate the Those Strange German Ways.


Siebte Klasse

Charlotte-Paulsen entrance

Breaks

The German school year is long but broken up with a number of long breaks - Christmas, Easter, Pfingsten and Summer. We took advantage of this to travel, burning through our meager savings.  Paris, Sweden, Norway and around Germany. My uncle and family were doing a teaching sabbatical in Orebro, Sweden in 1972 so we traveled there to be with family. They took us to Hallestad, Sweden to discover family on my mother's side (see My People). Great fun. Snella volunteered to watch over Matt while we boarded a train to Oslo. 

On one of their breaks, they came to Hamburg for a visit. We traipsed all over Hamburg including a 6 AM Sunday morning vist to the famous Hamburg Fish Market, their version of the State Fair. 

In the fall a quick, interesting trip to Denmark. During the Pfingsten (Pentecost) break, a bus tour to Belgium, France, & a few days in Paris. Matt entertained the passengers by walking up and down the aisle collecting treats. We walked and jumped off and on trains with that stroller all over Paris. Matt was a great traveler.


And finally, in the summer before we left, we were invited by Dick & Jane - dear friends to this day - to travel through Scandinavia with them. They were also leaving for home and had bought a new Volvo. We took the ferry from Kiel to Oslo and walked from the pier to the Oslo Radhus. Not long after, Dick & Jane drove up and off we went across Norway to the fjords and many ferry crossings. In one such instance we managed to leave our driver (Dick) on shore as we sailed off. Jane must have had an extra set of keys because we drove off the ferry and patiently waited for the next one to arrive. Then north through fjord country to Leksvig and to Carol's ancestors, where we were greeted like royalty. They had the Norwegian flag flying for us. (see Johanna's Journey). Carol's grandmother had emigrated to Minnesota in 1907 and never returned. In 1972, Carol was about the same age as Johanna when she left home and was her spitting image. Johanna's sister Ingeborg was still living and cried and cried - tears of joy.  Johanna's great grandson! 

Ingeborg
After that high we traveled east across Norway and Sweden, to Lapland and down through Finland. A stomach churning ferry trip across the Gulf of Bothnia and another from Malmo to Denmark and we were back to the reality of preparing to leave.





Addendum: Hamburg to Lowry

We had issues getting back to the USA.  We rented a car in Hamburg and drove caravan style with Mike & Marty to Wiesbaden where we stayed at their relatives overnight. Then to Luxembourg for an Icelandic flight to NYC.  So far so good.  But our connecting flight to Mpls was Northwest Air and of course they went on strike.  Stranded at JFK.  Matt slept on top of a suitcase - no problem. 

Eventually we wrangled a flight to Chicago but Northwest was the main carrier from O’Hare to MSP, so stranded again.  We went from airline to airline to try to get a flight and finally decided to take a bus. One agent asked us if we had tried “Air Wisconsin” - Air What?  But it existed and we got 2 seats on a 16 passenger prop plane with a curtain between the passengers and the pilot.  They added 2 extra passengers (military sitting on their duffels).  5 stops between Chicago and Mpls. Airsick city. At one stop, Wausau I think, Carol was so queasy she went in to the “terminal” to get a 7-Up. She had no US $ so she paid in Deutsch Marks :-)  We got to Mpls and of course our luggage was nowhere to be found, stranded somewhere between NYC and MSP.  It did show up a couple weeks later.

We also shipped stuff, using our shrank as a shipping container. Hamburg to Milwaukee. This was mainly to hold the teak desk we had bought. We had a 2nd floor apartment and when the shippers came to pick it up, they bounced it down the stairway and when they got outside the broke off some of the fenceposts from the play area to serve as rollers to get the thing to the truck. Hard to believe but it all arrived safely with the final leg, Milwaukee to Lowry by Raymond Bros truck.

Homeward Bound

We left Hamburg for home after a year of teaching. It was a difficult year but I wouldn't trade this experience. We grew up - well I grew up - Carol was always the grown-up of the family. We had wonderful experiences and made life-long friendships. Great memories, mostly good. I decided to continue to teach in the US (see Thistledew). Having European teaching on a resume got me interviews I probably would not have otherwise. So we ended up back in Minnesota and have lived here happily for nigh onto 50 years. 

Fellow Americans


If you made it this far, congratulations.  I could write a book on that year abroad.

Copyright ©  2023  Dave Hoplin







Wednesday, August 16, 2023

Thistledew Corrrectional Camp

 



Thistledew Correctional Facility sits on Thistledew Lake, south of Hwy 1 in northern Itasca County between Togo & Effie, northwest of Side Lake. If you don't know where that is, you are forgiven. It's remote Northern Minnesota.  I did some time there in 1973 ...

 as a student teacher. 







In 1973 I was attending the University of Minnesota, Morris to pick up the education credits I needed to obtain a Minnesota teacher’s certificate. The final step was student teaching. Because we had returned to Minnesota from Germany (where I had been teaching! a topic for another day) I started mid-school year at Morris and I needed to do student teaching in the summer to be licensed for a full-time fall position. The education department at Morris got creative on my behalf, finding options during the summer break. The assignment was split into 2 segments. 

The first was a teaching a summer school class in astronomy in Willmar, MN, an hour commute from home. I could identify a few constellations and I knew the 8 planets - Pluto had not yet been demoted - but I had never had a class in astronomy. But the few students who were taking this class were very motivated and we sort of learned about the universe together, including a few late night fumbling with a telescope in the school parking lot. It was actually great fun.

The second was a stint at Thistledew Correctional Camp in the far north woods of Minnesota.


The Thistledew facility opened in 1955 as a camp to teach troubled youth practical skills to help them lead productive lives. The Thistledew Camp program could serve up to 50 youth and required each student to participate in the 3-week Wilderness Program designed for small groups of no more than 10 male students per group. Programming included education, critical thinking skills development, chemical dependency programming, rigorous physical exercise, restorative justice work crews, and firewood preparation and bundling for state parks. 


There were two student teachers, myself and and Bad, Bad Wendell Brown as the kids tagged him. I covered Math & Science. Wendell covered English & Social Studies. Wendell was retired military, older and less overwhelmed. The full-time staff took care of the chemical dependency counseling, physical fitness program, wilderness experiences and of course the supervision/care and feeding of the "residents".  These were male offenders, ages 13-17 who had been convicted of non-violent crimes or drug offenses. Most of the young residents placed in Thistledew were court ordered, probation officer and/or social worker recommended. They had been chosen for the Thistledew "challenge program" with the potential to earn early supervised release upon successful program completion. 

This, to put it mildly, was an unconventional student teaching assignment. It was a radical departure from my experience in Hamburg at Charlotte-Paulsen Gymnasium (a topic for another day). The teaching consisted mainly of individual or small group tutoring since these kids were at widely varied grade levels in their math skills. Essentially the old fashioned one-room schoolhouse. The students were highly unmotivated, their interests largely focused on impressing their peers and finding their slot in the camp pecking order. Proficiency in math (or any other academics) was a deterrent to group status. So sneaking out a window when the teacher was occupied with another student and then strutting through the door shortly thereafter was a common attention grabber. And the plenty of bored looks. Most would have preferred chopping wood I am sure. I rarely felt any success. This dearth of love for learning nearly drove me to abandon the teaching idea. (Aside - I believe prospective teachers should be put in a classroom early in their academic program). The experience did open my eyes. It was easy to feel empathy for these kids and the path that brought them to this place. At the camp, every story seemed sad and/or tragic. 

Teaching was not the whole of the Thistledew experience. Camp life included organized physical activity and physical labor with work assignments chopping wood  (e.g. "chop a rick" was punishment for rule violations) kitchen duties, camp cleanup, etc. The third piece, and more memorable, was participating in and assisting in the supervision of the outdoor adventure component. 

The wilderness/adventure component was much anticipated and intended not just to be fun but to build character and self esteem. Part of the reason for the camp location, near the Minnesota BWCA, was for the plethora of outdoor experiences that could be offered up: canoe trips, hiking, camping, fishing, cross-country skiing and rappelling expeditions. These adventures were entirely new experiences for most and generally went pretty smoothly, with kids on good behavior under the threat of being sent back to camp. But of course, there's always somebody. On an overnight canoe and camping trip one young man managed to get access to a gas can, soaked his sleeping bag, managing to get high on the fumes. I believe he was exported back from whence he came the next day. 


A highlight event was a rappelling trip to Lake Superior. This was not dropping off a "high cliff" like Palisade Head, but a smaller cliff perhaps 50' high. The staff were very experienced with the “on belay” activity and provided excellent how-to instructions. “Just lean back, bounce against the cliff and don’t let go of the rope.” Even the student teachers had a crack on. My only worry was potentially embarrassing myself. It wasn’t The Eiger Sanction, but a quite satisfying trip over the edge. Needless to say, the boys were eager to take a turn, some overly eager. Two, apparently, felt the edge of a cliff was an appropriate place for a fight over who was next in line. Happily, no one died. But some anger management conversations soon followed.

Sadly, Thistledew closed in 2020, a victim to MN Dept of Correction budget cuts and Covid.  Tis a pity, as this outward bound style correction and education was innovative and I believe life changing for at least some of these kids. We student teachers’ contribution-not so much.

That fall, I started as a Math teacher in Hastings (a story for another time), hired in part, I believe, on the unwarranted assumption that teaching juvenile delinquents had prepared me to manage a classroom.
 
1955 Opening

Dorm

High ropes course

Winter skiing & camping



Copyright ©  2023  Dave Hoplin


Monday, August 7, 2023

Crossroads

When I was 10, I was pretty confident that I was destined to replace Woody Held as the Cleveland Indian’s shortstop (my favorite team at the time). That dream was cruelly disabused when Denny Danielson fanned me on 3 pitches in the bottom of the 7th with the bases loaded and two outs. Strike out looking. Game over. Humiliation. As a result even I realized that the “Big Show” was not in my future. So next up: firefighter, cowboy, frontiersman.


Fast forward. After getting my Masters degree in Bozeman, MT, I put in a year teaching in Hamburg, Germany (a story for another time). In the summer of 1972, Carol & I with our 1 year old son returned to Minnesota planning to continue my teaching career. However, I needed education credits to procure a Minnesota teaching certificate. So I enrolled at the U of M, Morris (a story for another time) and we settled into my grandparents home in Lowry and …  I became a full-fledged volunteer fireman in the Lowry Fire Department. Voila, my childhood backup plan dream was realized. However, imagination and reality often diverge. 


There are not a lot of occasions to call out the fire department in a small town, but on occasion there was some heat (see LFD post featuring Shadrach, Meschach & Abednego). In most cases, of course, I wasn't trusted with anything important, like driving a truck, climbing a ladder or holding the business end of the hose. And since most of the fires were grass fires I found myself most often swatting flames with a wet gunney sack.  Not exactly the excitement I had envisioned.

The above paragraphs illustrate some of my life's many crossroads and demonstrates that our lives - at least mine - are less like a GPS defined journey than a endless series of decisions. In our 20's, there seems so much time, ample for hundreds of decisions, indecisions and revisions. And before you know it, the decisions made and unmade shape our decades. 

Looking back on the crossroads in my life, I'm not sure I recognized the significance of my turns. The ability to predict long term is a fuzzy lens. And the idea that we always use well-reasoned, analytical approaches to decisions is largely myth I believe. Some people seem to have an unwavering focus on their destiny but for most of us, it is much muddier. Serendipity even. Generally, we go on emotion, with what "feels right". And I'm not sure that's a bad thing. A trusted friend occasionally or family member frequently (e.g. wife) influences. Or a whispered prayer. But at crunch time, "trusting your gut" is often a good course. 

College? Well, Dad went there - should be good. MSU? Really pretty country out there - should be good. Hamburg? US teaching positions in short supply - should be good.  Quit teaching to do software? What could go wrong - should be good. Join that startup company? Ditto. I like that car color.  That house has a great backyard. And so forth and so forth. 

I rarely dwell on the past - except when writing a post like this - and it's clear there is much more of my past than my future. I have matured enough to accept I'm unlikely to get out of this alive. No one survives the future. The secret to living old and thriving is to stay interested. And try to hang around people who command respect rather than attention. It's better for your well being.

I have been blessed. In fact, I’m actually in Lou Gehrig territory. 

Copyright ©  2023  Dave Hoplin





Tuesday, August 1, 2023

An Ostentation of Peacocks





James Lipton, poet and former director of The Actor's Studio wrote an obscure book back in the 60's titled "An Exaltation of Larks".  Interesting title.  It is a compendium of collective nouns to classify groups of somethings using creative, clever associations. The practice stems from a 1476 book "The Hors, Shepe & Ghoos" (i.e. The Horse, Sheep & Goose) listing a 100 or so such terms, mostly pertaining to animals. It was followed in the 1500's by "The Book of St. Albans" which expanded the list. These classifications became widespread and knowledge thereof was taken as a demonstration of a superior mind.  Many of these have persisted over the last 600 years.

Though perhaps a frivolous endeavor, I find this word play fascinating and poetic and these days I have plenty of time and desire for frivolous. It inspires me - and perhaps you as well - to expand the list.

First to give you the idea, some examples. You are likely familiar with some or all of these.   
  • A Gaggle of Geese  
  • A Plague of Locusts 
  • A Brood of Hens
  • A Litter of Pups
  • A Swarm of Bees
  • A Host of Angels
  • A Cluster of Grapes
  • A Bevy of Beauties ...

Some others you may know but are more rare.

  • An Exaltation of Larks.
    • Larks are morning birds and rise to great heights while constantly twittering their joyous exaltation .
  •  A Murder of Crows
    • A folktale has it that crows will gather and decide the capital fate of another crow. Another explanation is that many view the appearance of crows as an omen of death.
  •  A Pride of Lions
    • Considered a regal species thus prideful
  • A Parliament of Owls
    • For their association with wisdom, although the wisdom - parliament connection seems to be broken.
  •  A School of Fish
    • A corruption of Shoal of Fish
  •  An Ostentation of Peacocks
    • Perfect.
  •  A Clutch of Eggs
    • As many as you can carry in your apron, presumably.
  •  An Army of Caterpillars
    • (see plague of locusts)

Leaving animals behind and addressing people and professions. (These need no explanation.)
  • A Converting of Preachers
  • A Sentence of Judges
  • A Draught of Brewers
  • A Drift of Fishermen (from drift netting)
  • A Blast of Hunters
  • A Rascal of Boys
  • A Skulk of Thieves

And some fun modern additions to the collection
  • A Rhapsody of Blues
  • An Unemployment of Graduates
  • An Exaggeration of Fishermen
  • A Wobble of Bicycles
  • A Rash of Dermatologists
  • A Pile of Proctologists
  • A Flush of Plumbers
  • An Odium of Politicians
  • A Pound of Pianists
  • A Lie of Golfers
  • A Mass of Priests
  • A Nucleus of Physicists
  • An Extreme Unction of Undertakers
  • A Consternation of Mothers
  • A Twaddle of Public Speakers
  • A Fifth of Scots
  • A Pint of Irish
  • A Descent of Relatives
  • A Lot of Used Car Dealers

And finally, my additions to the canon

  • A Blizzard of DQs
  • A Mishmash of Blogs
  • An Annoyance of Tweets
  • A Splash of Water Balloons
  • A Peleton of Cyclists
  • A Circling of Buzzards
  • A Breakfast of Champions
  • A X of Teslas
  • An Aroma of Old Men
  • A Whistle of Cardinals
  • A Hovering of Dentists
  • A Whirlwind of Dust Bunnies
  • A Trial of Elections
Next, your contributions - see comments.

Copyright ©  2023  Dave Hoplin

Tuesday, July 11, 2023

Mansplaining 2023 Edition

More Dave Mansplaining - Advice for the bewildered


Minnesota Fats from Nashville writes: I was doing great on my post-Christmas diet until about Jan 2nd. Advice please?

Dave writes: Well, Tennessee. Rotundness is kind of your meal ticket, so aspiring for slimness might be counter-productive to your career.  However, if a protruding belly is affecting your accuracy, try a sport that actually involves exercise.


Pamela from Perham writes: I have been told never to utter the word 'yes' during a phone call from an unknown caller. Can you fact-check that?

Dave writes: You betcha. Urban legend has it that when you utter in the affirmative into a phone, this response will be edited into recorded proof that you have agreed to buy a subscription to Boy's Life or perhaps an in perpetuity weekly political donation. Best advice is when you hear "can you hear me?", hang up.  Unless it's your mom.


Pierre from Le Sueur writes: I know that a vegan diet is better for you. Can you give me some guidance on giving up meat?

Dave writes: Excusez moi, aren’t $20 hamburgers enough incentive?  Word to the wise - don't go overboard with the green beans - remember, chocolate is also vegan. And wine. 


Odd Einar from Edina writes: I just moved into assisted living apartments and the odoriferous hallways are making me nauseous. What can I do?

Dave writes: How old are you Odd? It has bearing on what the noxious emissions might be and the remedies. Emanations of a certain toxicity are only remedied by moving out. Otherwise I recommend Vicks Vapor rub generously on the columella.


Tom from Hollywood Hills writes: I'm looking for a relaxing cruise to get away from it all. Got any recommendations?

Dave writes: Well, Tom. Cruising begets vertigo, possibly permanently. You might just destroy your franchise. You should avoid those impossible situations that are causing you such stress.  I'd recommend a couple weeks at the Cozy Rest ... you know, the place for mom.  Take Harrison along. It'll do you both wonders.


Dalrymple from Goose Pimple Junction writes: I am 35 years old and continue to pop embarrassing zits.  What can I do?

Dave writes: Dal, this almost certainly is stress related. e.g. warming oceans, Siberian permafrost melt releasing ancient viruses, empty western reservoirs, wars & rumors of war, explosives on a nuclear reactors, an upcoming election, fear of failure. There's a lot in this world to be stressed about. You could probably garner enough Instagram followers to support yourself with a daily headshot post to serve as a stress barometer - sort of a facial end-of-the-world clock. Failing this, a case of Clearasil perhaps.


Sam from Bentonville writes: Why do people so disrespect Walmart?

Dave writes:  Sam, I doubt you have ever been in a Walmart?

Warren from Omaha writes:  I have some land near Las Vegas for sale. Can I advertise this as ocean-front?
Dave writes: Well, I heard someone make that prediction recently, but it might be a bit premature. I suggest you blast out a boatload of social media posts requesting donations to preserve the property from flooding and you might hit paydirt.

Anxious from Funkley writes: What do you recommend for a college major suitable for these times?
Dave writes: As they say, do what you love and the world will come calling. Of course, that’s quatsch. Nevertheless, there is a lot to be said for pursuing a subject you love and I affirm your pursuit of knowledge. I would recommend a broad basket of subjects to start with. You might just bump into your life’s path. But …your first college lesson should be to avoid onerous borrowing from predatory lenders. Always remember “thems whats gots keeps”.  And thems on foodstamps who see others getting something they aren't will go ballistic, unless of course it’s subsidies for the very rich.


Anna from Annandale writes: My roommate bought a bird as a pet and it freaks me out when it flies through the kitchen. What to do?

Dave writes: Respectfully request that the fowl remain caged at all times. If that fails, say nothing but smile and carry a tennis racket around the apartment at all times. That failing, get yourself a pet - a cat perhaps. Also look for a new roommate.


Elon from Snailbrook writes: Hey, Dave.  I know you love to bike.  What do you think of electrics?

Dave writes: As commuter transportation, I'm all in. Much better than a Tesla. As an exercise device, I'm all out. I am sick of little old ladies zooming by me.

Grace from CalTech writes: Dave, do you know what "man-splaining" is?
Dave writes:  Ah, there is this ...


Lance from Houston writes: This heat is brutal.

Dave writes: Lance. Take a lesson from the Tour de France.  Temps hit 100° during the race today.  So follow the riders lead.  Tuck chilled water bottles in your shirt. Drape ice-filled pantyhose around your neck. Keep hydrated. Carry a color chart to test whether your urine indicates dehydration. Go naked, but use plenty of sunscreen. 


Byron from Buxton writes: The Twins are on record breaking strikeout pace? Can you fix this team?

Dave writes: Buck. I have been a (long suffering) Twins fan since inception in 1961.  Except for ‘65, ‘87, ‘91, with (slim) hope until the All Star break, then reality. But rarely would I condemn any Twins team for lack of effort. The 2023 team is that and more and it’s not just the 10+ strikeouts per game. It’s the indifference to them. There’s a “cock of the walk” strut headed back to the dugout after a 3rd strikeout of the night.  So .. to your question. What to do? 1) Nullify the Luis Arraez trade 2) Get Lewis, Polanco healthy & bench Buxton until he can play in centerfield 3) Release Gallo, Pagan 4) Fire the bullpen except for Duran and maybe Jax & Thielbar 5)  Fire Popkin. Get someone who will get rid of the strikeout upper cut swings and make Correa earn his keep. 6)  Fire the trainer. The number of fragile athletes is appalling  7)  Institute a youth movement. Play Larnach, Wallner, Julien, maybe Contreras or Kepler in CF  8) Leave the starters in the game for 7 innings  9) If after 30 second half games the team is not 5 games over .500, fire Baldelli  10) If the Twins tank like 2022, fire Falvey & Levine 11) Get rid of the ridiculous walleye vest


Axel from the tree house writes: Birdie with the yellow bill, hopped upon my window sill. Cocked his shining eye and said ...

Dave writes: You really need a bath - Mat. What did you do in St. Louis - Park? What did you do with the light - socket? What’s that in the road - a head?


Copyright ©  2023  Dave Hoplin

Monday, July 3, 2023

Butterfly Effect


In an apology explaining why long-range weather forecasting is so difficult, the meteorologist Edward Norton Lorenz is credited with coming up with the term "butterfly effect". In chaos theory, the butterfly effect is the "sensitive dependence on initial conditions in which a small change in one state of a deterministic nonlinear system can result in large differences in a later state. "  Or in layman's terms .. a butterfly flaps its wings in China, a tornado happens in Kansas.  


History is replete with butterfly flutters that changed its course.  Legend has it that Napoleon's hemorrhoids kept him off his horse and led to defeat at Waterloo.  The Watergate break in was discovered due to a piece of masking tape left covering a lock. Clouds over Kokura diverted an atomic bomb to Nagasaki. And one that hits close to home - a software patch crippled the Royal Bank of Scotland.  No transactions for 6 days. And here's a tip - never install Version 1.0 of anything.
And of course there are the "big butterflies", like Canadian fires or the Colorado River drying up or the Great Siberian Thaw awakening ancient viruses.  We might want to take notice.
But small things matter and as in the movie "A Wonderful Life", the impacts will rarely be revealed to you. I am willing to bet that you can recall some small action by someone in your life that made a big impact on you.  You might make it a point to thank them.  It might be a surprise visit from a friend or family member, a hug, a letter, a card or a phone call (or even a text, although I’m not a fan) arriving at just the right time. Maybe an unexpected gift of a little money when you really needed it, a job opportunity.
I had an uncle who seemed to have a sixth sense for people who needed some encouragement or for someone to just be there. Hence, unexpectedly, an invitation for a round of golf , a walkabout, a trip to the DQ, a hospital visit, a kind word,  ….
So, as they say, pay it forward; practice random acts of kindness; do unto to others as you would have them do unto you.  It's not my intention to become a cliche factory, but think about flapping your wings on occasion. 

Copyright ©  2023  Dave Hoplin