Philosopher for Hire

Aristotle rolling his eyes

It's hard to get a job as a philosopher these days. But it is the perfect profession for my retirement years. Sit around and think deep thoughts on the great questions and publish a tweet or a post on those thoughts - couple a year.  Truth, Beauty, Morality, Ethics, Spirituality .. and then a nice glass of hemlock in the evening.

There are of course university positions teaching philosophy, but they are simply rehashing hundred or thousand year old thinking.  I seek a job as a practicing, self-sufficient philosopher, like ... well, I can't think of anyone alive. Aristotle, Socrates, Plato, Kant, Thoreau, William James, Bertrand Russell, Soren Kierkegaard, ...  all gone. Caveat - Elizabeth Anderson is pretty good.

So who will break new ground on the great philosophic questions? Why are we here? What is the meaning of life? Is the universe real?  Is reality real? Do we really have free will? Can a human be objective? Is there universal basic morality? What is fact? ...

But before I take up that mantle, I've decided to pro bono address the "Tier 2 Great Questions", saving the "Great Questions" for a paying gig.

1. Over or Under?
Part 1: Definitely over unless you have a toddler or a cat. It is much easier to paddle down than up.
Part 2: The visual is gut-churning so suspenders seems the only plausible answer ... alternatively, buy a couple of those no-tuck-in shirts, XXL.

2. White or Brown?
Tradition says white. Contrarians say brown. But fundamentalists take their lefse with just butter. A lunatic group says fill it with lutefisk.  I am a traditionalist.

3. Pepperoni or Sausage?
Here I believe the biblical dietary laws serve us well, so veggie.

4. Tattoo or Piercing?
This is a test of your common sense.  In your twilight years, do you want to be sitting in the nursing home exposing your sagging butterfly or "I Love Linda" in a heart-arrow tattoo?  I think not.  Piercings are at least removable, but do please apply some common sense here as well. I hate that tooth clicking.

5. Red or Blue?
Empirical evidence personally gathered over many years shows that color has little or no effect on the flavor of M&M's.  So, pick 'em.

6. Parasympathetic vs. Amygdala?
While the amygdala is at rare times indispensable, you should always try to go with your parasympathetic side.

7. Hamburger or Hot Dog?
Hot dog, but only at a baseball game.

8. Ford or Chevy?
No way I'm getting involved in that blood sport.

9. Gene Kelley or Fred Astaire?
Who?

11. Baseball or Football?
See number 6.

Happy New Year

Copyright © 2019 Dave Hoplin