I attended a baseball nerd meeting recently and one of the attendees was talking about taking his novice baseball friend to a Twins game. A hitter launched a long flyball caught on the warning track and the friend said "Well, at least he helped his batting average", to which he replied "What?". "Well, he got a hit". So then followed an explanation that "hitting the ball" is not the same as "getting a hit".
Here is how I imagine the rest of the game ...
(Tom - you will not understand a word of this.)
A "If the fielder catches the ball in the air, the batter is out."
B "Out? He has to go out? The game just started."
A "No. An out means the batter didn't reach base. There are fly outs, ground outs, strike outs. A team gets 3 outs and then the other team bats and they get 3 outs. They do this 9 times, unless there are extra innings."
B "Extra innings?"
A "Yes. No ties in baseball and no time limit."
B "Oh boy. So we could be here all night."
A "Yup."
B Ok, why didn't that batter strike at that throw?"
A "It's swing at that pitch. Because the pitch was a ball."
B "Well, I'm not that stupid. Of course it's a ball. That's what they play with."
A "No, when the pitch is outside the strike-zone, it's called a ball. 4 balls and the player walks."
B "Strike zone? Shouldn't there be picketers? Just kidding. And walks? Like the plank? Where does he go? "
A "First base. Maybe we should use the term base-on-balls. 4 balls and he gets first base."
B "But there's already someone there."
A "That guy goes to second base."
B "Like a merry-go-round. Wow, that was a hard hit. Why didn't he run?"
A "It was a foul ball?"
B "What, like stinky?"
A "No. If the ball lands in the stands or on the left side of the left field foul pole or the right side of the right field foul pole, it is a foul ball. If it's caught in the air the batter is out. Otherwise, it counts as a strike on the batter. Any ball hit between those foul lines is a fair ball."
B "OK, 3 strikes and you're out even if you never strike the ball? That batter had 2 strikes so that foul is strike 3 - he's out. I think I'm getting this."
A "No. If the batter hits a foul ball with 2 strikes, he gets another swing."
B "So it's not 3 strikes and you're out. It could be 20 strikes."
A "True."
B "There goes a long hit. It could be a Run Home. Shoot, it hit that pole. Strike one. I'm getting into this."
A "Well, ah, when the ball hits the foul pole it's a home run."
B "Run Home makes more sense. So if the ball hits the foul pole it's fair? Who made the rules for this game? ."
A "Well they claim it was Abner Doubleday but ..
B "STOP. It was a rhetorical question. Why is it called a home run?"
B "It's a home run when a batter hits the ball over they fence. He runs around all the bases and touches home plate to score the run. That's the object of baseball, to go home and be safe. Of course, there is also an inside-the-park home run.. forget I said that."
A "What the heck was was that guy doing? He just pushed the bat at the pitch.”
B "That's a bunt. He was trying to sacrifice."
A "That sounds so pagan. You told me baseball was bucolic.”
B “When a batter lays down a sacrifice bunt he expects to be out but the runner on base will advance, so he's sacrificing himself. But, he doesn’t get charged with a time at bat.”
A “So it’s like it never happened?”
B “Um, I guess, but he is out.”
A "So he's out but he never batted. This is a crazy game."
A “Oh-oh, the manager is going to the mound. Looks like he's bringing in someone from the bullpen.”
B “They keep bulls out there? Bull-fighting is illegal in this country you know. And why does the manager wear a uniform like the players. He doesn't play. Most managers I know wear blue shirts and khakis."
A “Ok that's a lot of questions. It's called a bullpen because Bull Durham tobacco signs used to be painted on fences, so people took to calling the area "Bullpen". Relief pitchers sit out in there until the manager calls them and tells one of them to warm up, they might be going in the game. Oh, and the great manager Connie Mack always wore a suit & tie”
B “Relief pitcher? So they’re taking that poor pitcher out of the game right in front of all these people? How embarrassing for him.”
A “It happens nearly every game. After 100 pitches or so.”
B “Wow. Batters should foul more pitches.”
A “You are catching on. Look, the bases are loaded.”
B “Oh my goodness. Will they go off. Maybe we should leave.”
A “No. Loaded means there are runners at every base so there’s a chance for a force play at every base and at home or possibly a Grand Slam.”
B “Ok, I understood nothing of what you just said.”
A “Well, force means when the ball is hit on the ground the runners must advance and can be put out just by touching the base they’re running to while holding the ball. A grand slam is a run home, I mean home run, with the bases loaded scoring 4 runs with 1 swing. If the ball is hit in the air and caught, the runners can tag-up and try to advance.”
B “Oy, TMI.”
A "Ouch. That batter got hit by the pitch. He gets to go to first base. That was close to a being a bean ball. We might just have a rhubarb brewing?
B "So if a batter gets hit by a pitch he gets to go to first? Why don't they just let the ball hit them?
A "You know how hard a baseball is, right? Imagine it hitting you at 90 mph. Not something you want to happen. "
B "What do you mean by bean ball?"
A "A pitch coming right at your head, your bean. Surprisingly, only one Major League player, Ray Chapman has died from being beaned. That was 1920, before the days of helmets."
B "That's terrible. No helmets?"
B "Do you want me to go to concessions and get you that rhubarb beer now? Sounds awful by the way."
A "Ah, a rhubarb is .. never mind." The second baseman just booted that grounder."
B "Booted? This is baseball not football. Anyway, that's a hit, right?"
A "Booted is just an expression meaning he goofed up. It's an error. It's counted as an at bat, the same as an out."
B "Oh boy, I'm getting more and more confused."
B “Hey, the umpire just called that batter out and the ball is still in the air. What if he would have dropped it? For an error - heh, heh.”
A “Well, if there are runners on 1st and 2nd or the bases are loaded ... just a sec.”
A “Hey Siri. Please explain the infield fly rule.”
Copyright © 2019 Dave Hoplin
Neighbors are a bit of a crapshoot. As they say, you can pick your nose but not your neighbors. The weird neighbor is a staple of the horror film genre. So if you are lucky enough to draw a good one(s), consider yourself blessed.
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