More Mansplaining

By popular demand¹, here’s the 2nd edition of Dave's Mansplaining, advice for the bewildered male, a woefully underserved population.

Chase from Manhattan writes:  "Should I be investing in that Klepto thing?”

Dave says:  Chase, I assume you mean Crypto, although there’s an element of mania there so maybe you’re not that off. My bit of advice.  No.

Herman from Herman writes:  "I am in a quandary. What to do for Valentine's Day?"

Dave says:  Well Herm, February angst is rampant. Are you the bachelor farmer that sent off for a mail-order bride? It's hard to top that kind of romance. Perhaps something from Amazon.

Clayton from Moorhead writes:  "Should I be wearing a mask?"

Dave says: Kemo Sabe, if you have but an ounce of consideration for your fellow man; if you winter in Minnesota; if you are a super hero; if you're ugly - wear a mask.

Gustave from Le Sueur writes: "I have just finished reading Moby Dick. It must be the greatest novel ever written."

Dave says:  Well, Gus, I agree it's a whale of a book. But you have "Madame Bovary syndrome”, the irresistible need to praise fat books so you don't have to admit you have just wasted a boatload of time.

Jerry from Fargo writes:  "My girlfriend says she’s dumping me because I am always committing faux pas. What is that even?"

Dave says:  Jerry, oh geez. Fake gnus

Al from Worthington writes: "Have you seen those obnoxious 'you’re turning into you parent' commercials slandering my entire generation? Who do I go after?"

Dave says: I'm with you Al. Try to lay off their pitch, but for relief, if you must, sue your parents.

Zack from Hackensack writes: "Should I be eating vegan?"

Dave says: Don't look back, Zack. It's not a bad idea. Better for the environment and your arteries and better economics to boot. A hamburger and a beer is 20 bucks these days. Be sure to cook the kale in olive oil. It slips out of the pan into the trash so much more smoothly.

Greg from Mendota writes: "My barber of the past 20 years has retired. What am I going to do?"

Dave says: "Greg, oh the humanity. That’s a rough one. I'd look into downloading some barber podcasts."

Wally from Mayfield writes: "What can you do with a brother who always gets crumbs in the butter? Makes me furious. Any ideas?"

Dave says: Gee Wally. I’m not really licensed for this. This sibling rivalry speaks to a lack of maturity and perhaps deep seated anger issues. I suggest you stop over to the Anderson’s and have a chat with the father who knows best.

Brad from Beardsley writes: "I've been working from home for a couple years now. I have an oily pony-tail, a graying beard, BO and have gained 30 pounds. Help".

Dave says: It's not so bad, Brad. Look on the bright side. You’re well below the median on the weight gain.

Ernest from Ogilvie writes: "My father, Frank, is aging and I believe he needs to move to a care facility."

Dave says: Time for a Frank and Ernest conversation. Ernest, be Frank. But don't accept an ok to a move too quickly. We old guys will suffer most anything to avoid being a burden. Try to find a way for your pa to remain independent. There are lots of helping hands - Meals on Wheels, Home Health nursing, etc. 

Ryan from Times Square writes: “My New Year’s celebration was somewhat muted this year. How about you?”

Dave says: Ryan, I can relate. But your definition of muted is significantly louder than ours. We declared the year New with Halifax folks (AST), downed an eggnog, pronounced good riddance to 2021 and then off to the arms of Morpheus.

Buck from Rogers writes: "Hey, Dave. I'm trying to book a spot on Bezos' next rocket ride. Want to tag-along?."

Dave says:  I'd Buck the trend if I were you, Rocket Man. Personally, I refuse to countenance multiple billions toward a self indulgent ego trip that produces a lifetime of climate changing pollution for a 10 minute joyride. 

Julia from Cook writes: "Why are most chefs men?"

Dave says: Because it’s a job where you have the joy and someone else cleans up after you. Perfect. 

Axel and his dog write: "OK. Enough already.”

Dave says: Birdie with a yellow bill, Hopped upon my windowsill, Cocked his shining eye and said, ‘Look at the orange mama laid’.

Copyright ©  2022  Dave Hoplin 

Footnotes

¹ one request