Men. We must admit that we are frequently socially awkward and truth be told, completely clueless. Dave to the rescue. Write to me confessing your moments of confusion, consternation or insecurity and I will straighten you out.
Malcom from Welcome writes. “I can’t seem to raise my chin off my sternum. Can you recommend a specialist?
Dave says. Malcom. You have iNeck, a debilitating affliction that can be fatal, particularly when crossing a street. I recommend a halo brace and wearing mittens 24/7.
Ole from Estherville writes. “I am trying to eat right. My evening snack is a handful of nuts - walnuts, cashews, pecans. It used to be a bowl of ice cream or a handful of Oreos. My spouse says nuts make me flatulent, so demands a diet change. But I love the nuts. What do you advise?”
Dave says. Holy moly Ole, there is absolutely no reason to give up your beloved evening protein. Get yourself a dog. A dog will love you unconditionally and will happily accept blame for any noxious odors in the house.
Max from Effie writes. “I am a faithful church-goer and I love to sing hymns. Unfortunately I am tone deaf and people choose to avoid my pew. Do I have to lip-sync to retain my church status?”
Dave says. Here’s the facts Max. I sincerely doubt that your singing is driving people away, unless you are Lutheran, where everyone is a choir member or wannabe and sanctimonious when it comes to vocalizing. All others are blissfully unaware of their atrocious singing - or that of others. I suggest trying a Saturday night shower. Let me know how that works out.
Brent from Dent writes. “I am anticipating making a fortune as a social media influencer. I have a fake Instagram account and have accumulated 12 followers with my daily posts reviewing Minnesota’s best hootch. How can I best monetize my passion for stupor?”
Dave says. Brent. I think your spellcheck has a flaw. The word is “stupid”.
Mark from St. Paul Park writes. “I am gobsmacked when choosing a wine to bring to a party. Should I just bring flowers? Help.”
Dave says. Mark my words. No self respecting single male (since you’re going to a party, I assume you’re single) brings wine to a party - or flowers for that matter. If you are locked in to those choices, buy a $29 bottle of wine - any wine. At least that can be re-gifted by the hostess - bring flowers and you risk introducing aphids. Rather, be a party hero. A 12 pack of Leinenkugel. No more party insecurities. Maybe throw in a bag of peanuts. And, steal my book “Party Rules for Dummies”.
Winona from Mahnomen writes. “Dave. I know you generally provide your sage advice to men. I am woman and I wish to understand the mind of man. My experience leads me to believe it it is mainly empty. Do you have any counter-examples?”
Dave says. Winona. I don’t normally field queries from deep thinkers so I am at a loss. I suggest you read my “Deep Thoughts” post, a feeble attempt at addressing intellectual topics. But, to answer you inquiry, I think a good rule of thumb would be to trust your experiences.
Terry from Terrace writes. “I am a terrible conversationalist. I just can’t do small talk and most people don’t know squat about World of Warcraft, so what is there to talk about?”
Dave says. Terry. Terry. You’re probably going to go blind - for multiple reasons. People with real lives find lots of things to share. Failing that, be a listener. "Better to keep silent and be thought a fool than open your mouth to remove all doubt." (borrowed that from Abe).
Yul from Buhl writes. “I am despondent. I am but 29 and am rapidly going bald. Is there hope for me?”
Dave says. Be cool, Yul. This is a First World problem And moreover, haven’t you noticed, bald is boho chic. Just shave the head and exude confidence. I may go there myself.
Axel and his Dog writes. “With this line of quatsch you should join me in the treehouse.”
Dave says. My dream job. And he cocked his shining eye and said, "What’s that in the road? A head?"
Copyright © 2021 Dave Hoplin
