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| Grandma wearing the white hat |
My grandmother was a saint (see
Esther post). When it came to personal conduct, she was a Biblical strict constructionist. She objected to King James' translation of the Greek κρασί as "wine" when of course it should have been "juice of the grape". She held no brief with activist translators.
Drinking
Demon rum, a placeholder for any ingested alcohol, was viewed as a home wrecker and led inevitably to abandonment of family (drinkers were always referred to in masculine gender), loss of a job and days drinking from a paper bag. But, thanks in part to grandma, a WCTU hall-of-famer, Pope County was one of the last holdouts as a "dry" county. 3.2 beer was all you could get a Dave's Tavern. Of course, Kensington & Forada in wet Douglas County weren't that far away. Grandma's anti-booze activity helped keep Pope Country dry longer than most any in the state and she conscripted me into the fight, delivering VOTE NO flyers all over town every time the issue reached the ballot. (see
WCTU post).
As a young boy, I once gleefully declared in Grandma's presence, "we have beer in our fridge". My father scowled at me and I never discovered the subsequent interaction with his mother. As I remember it, I then realized I had turned informant in Grandma's web.
So I lived in mortal fear that if I did not resist the temptation*, I would end up with a daily bottle of Ripple slurped from a brown paper bag and sleeping in a doorway on Washington Ave. And so I missed out on all the high school keggers. No regrets there however. I eventually overcame my paranoia but I still apologize to Grandma when I have my infrequent beer.
Taking the Lord's Name in Vain
Oh my. To utter an oath. Have you ever had your mouth washed out with soap? This sin is clearly documented in the 10 commandments so woe unto you. When my grandson was 2, he was playing cars with grandma and offered up, "Dammit grandma, crash me". My wife to her son,"He knows 4 words and one of them is "damn"? The other grandfather got the blame :-). I confess to have transgressed here more than a few times.
Stealing
I wonder if my apple/rhubarb/strawberry stealing offenses will appear on my ledger. Of course, this is also a "thou shalt not .." so any such activity is indefensible. I once took a rubber baseball from the hardware store without paying, promising myself to return with the quarter. Not sure if I kept that promise. Interestingly, this sticks in my memory as a mortal sin. I think that ball is still somewhere in Hank Brandt's garden. (see
Big Time Tales post)
Cruelty
Kick a dog, punch a kid, make fun of someone's disability. Bullying. These offenses demand punishment and shame. No excuses.
Lying
Clearly a serious violation. And unless you are well practiced, your body language makes your mendaciousness obvious. But it is an ethical conundrum when the telling of the truth will cause unnecessary pain to the hearer. "Wasn't that a wonderful band concert?" You've been there I am quite sure. Truth avoidance or partial truth in your own interest is a deception that is perhaps worse than the outright lie. "Have you been smoking?" "Well, there were some other people I was with who were smoking." Not really a lie, but ...
Smoking
Smoking is glamorous say the tobacco companies and old movies. But truly, it is a filthy habit with an added negative of health endangerment, not only to yourself but by second hand assaults. And now we have vaping. Indecent pursuit of profit. Veterans get a pass as long as you take your cigar outside. The military has been complicit in nicotine addiction. I confess I have been an experimental smoker (see
Mischief and Adventure post). I smoked/coughed as a 12 year old down the old road and smoked a cigar upon graduating from college - to my great regret, nearly falling down the stairs from dizziness. And I tried to smoke a pipe in grad school to look "professorial" but gave that up as a lost cause. Never since.
Dancing
When you think of biblical characters dancing, you think Salome and you know how that turned out. I have made attempts although to call it dancing might be a stretch. But dancing leads to alcohol consumption (see above) and then to close contact, which takes the transgression register into the red zone. A grandma rule: "nothing good happens after midnight".
Gossip
a.k.a. Rumor mongering, speaking ill of another, ... I've often wondered if "Sewing Circles" and "Ladies Aid" might not have been dens of iniquity. Gossip involving the preacher was especially hard to resist. But reading Lydia Bjorklund's Lowry News (see
Lowry News post) or "rubbering" on the party line was OK. [Every phone on a party line would ring so you could listen in if you wanted and if you dropped the receiver into a stone crock the echoed speech would free up your hands to continue what you were doing.] (see
Party Line post).
Sloth
e.g. Sleeping in on Saturday morning. Late Saturday slumber generally meant you were out to all hours on Friday night (see Dancing above) and next week your penance is arising on Saturday at 7 AM to pick rocks.
Card playing
Card playing generally involves gambling, which leads to debt and usually involves smoking and drink (see above). An exception can be made for playing UNO with your grandchildren, although I can't recall grandma every invoking such an exception.
Skipping Church
Only a deathbed illness is a reasonable excuse for missing church. And if the reason is is golfing, a prayer at each of the 18 stations might be in order. Heading to a baseball or football game bumps the degree of sin up several levels. And if the skip is sleeping in due to a late Saturday night, it is significantly worse than the Friday offense (see Sloth above). My mother once used "too windy" as an excuse. But I had to go to Sunday School. If you're on the casino bus, you are probably beyond redemption. (see Card Playing above)
Going to School in Improper Attire
No belt or an untucked shirt = James Dean on the loose. Wearing slacks or skirts above the knee. I will not try to explain the rules of those times.
Kissing in Public
Or private for that matter.
Outhouse Tipping
This is only relevant for fewer and fewer of us.
Open Mic
Add yours to the list. Confession is good for the soul.
*Oscar Wilde is credited with this. "I can resist anything ... except temptation".
Copyright © 2019 Dave Hoplin
