The Quirky Cup

The Quirky Cup

Every Thanksgiving, Patrick Reusse, sports columnist for the Star Tribune, would offer up his "Turkey of the Year" award, given to the year's most egregious sports fail, usually a Minnesotan. This award went defunct in 2017 but made a brief reappearance in 2020 . 

To fill the gap I am instituting a coveted new award, The Quirky Cup, to be awarded to that person who has exhibited the most consistent quirky behavior, one prone to behaving in strange, sometimes comical but mostly harmless ways. We have more than enough celebrity awards, it's time to honor the common man.

The inaugural 2021 award will go back in time to my childhood memories and tap the robust history of quirky folk from my little home town of Lowry.

The Candidates.

The Lowry School  served grades 1-8. In the 50's, Lloyd was the principal and 7th-8th grade teacher. Every teacher had 2 grades, a staff of 4.  (That's my Lowry School math education at work.)  Lloyd had pets that he brought with him to school. Every noon, he would drive around town in his '52 Dodge with one of the pets at the steering wheel.  Quirky. He was also a target for the 8th grade yahoo boys. They apparently thought it was funny to plug the Dodge's tailpipe with a potato.  Lloyd drove it home that way, sputtering down Hedlin's Hill. Quirked.

Boo had an old Studebaker with "suicide doors", rear doors that swung opposite of a normal 4-door. He'd give kids rides. In one frightening case, taking a corner at reckless speed, the rear door popped and Johnny went rolling out into a ditch. Yikes. Boo on another instance put a railroad spike on the tracks and nearly derailed a train.Yikes. Soo Line didn't think so and sent a detective to Lowry to investigate. He also played chicken with a school bus, driving at it on the wrong side of the road. Yikes. A bit beyond Quirky.

Arnold was a world-class ditch digger. My father relied on him when the village installed city sewer and water lines to all homes within the village limits. He was also a accomplished grave digger. Perfect vertical 6' deep rectangles to receive the casket. I never heard Arnold speak - but I did hear him laugh. He liked to prank. My father was stranded on the canopy of the hardware store when the ladder somehow disappeared with Arnold walking away chuckling. Arnold would also spend hours rocking back and forth from back foot to front standing by McIver's store.  Quirky.

There was a window well about 5' deep on the south side of the bank, covered by a metal grate. Howard would drop coins through the grate on random summer days and watch laughing from across the street while kids tried to retrieve the nickels. Quirky. Big Time was the king of coin harvesting as he had a long stick handy and chewed baseball card bubble gum. A model Boy Scout. 

Doc Wright managed the Lowry town team in the mid-50's. Tubba was the batboy. They made a trip to a Benson sporting goods store to buy some bats. On the way back to Lowry, Tubba told the Doc that black bats were bad luck. He immediately turned back to Benson and swapped the black bat for a standard Louisville Slugger.  Quirky.

Before the separate cafeteria building was built, the school lunch room was in the basement. Along the ceiling above the steps leading down to the lunch room were exposed steam pipes. The temptation to tear down the steps and leap to swing on the pipe was overwhelming to some. Kenny jumped and missed, landing on his back to some ill-effect. No more pipe swinging.  Quirked.

The school bell tower room doubled as the nurses office, although there was no nurse. During a time of a flu epidemic, Big Time told the teacher he felt sick and was sent to the "Nurses Office" and told to take his temp. He held the thermometer against a steam pipe - 103°F.  “You get right home and don't come back until you have a normal temp”. Creative truancy.

There are a number of Spook stories that are NSFW - or anywhere else for that matter. Extreme quirky.

Gary would walk all over town on stilts made from 16’ 2x4's. He stood 8-10' off the ground.  How he got on/off those things is a mystery. And how he avoided breaking his neck is another. Quirky.

Courtesy of Davey. On Halloween, Bennie & I would cover the town twice. I had a Sylvester the cat costume. After the first round, we would change costumes. At Loftingmoes, Mrs Loftingmoe said: "You've been here before. You're that little fat kid that's was here before." Ha. That ended it. 

Hank operated a small grocery store in the former Farmer's & Mechanics Bank that had failed during the Great Depression. He lived there and slept in the vault. He also stashed cash in cereal boxes. Quirky.

Lee the Barber somehow managed to procure the Lowry bank president's chair for his waiting area, the bank president who committed suicide in that chair, the chair with the bullet hole. Freaky Quirky.

There was a local braggart named Mitchell, just discharged from the Great War, who claimed he was the best shot in the county. Dave set up a contest with targets against some hay bales. Unbeknownst, Dave had positioned a few sticks of dynamite behind the bulls-eye. 

Hank Applequist was a traveling salesman and every time he arrived in Lowry he invariable made a beeline to the basement to use the hardware’s toilet facilities. On one occasion he discovered the toilet covered with what turned out to be peanut butter. Dave, the mischievous prankster.

I’m sure you noticed that all these candidates are men or boys. That is a pity, but it is just a testimony to the limited knowledge of feminine wonkiness of the nominating committee. Submit your nominees for the 2022 award - of either sex. You do not have to limit yourself to Lowry. Feel free to range as far as Farwell, Starbuck or New Prairie. Contribute in the comments section!

And the 2021 Award goes to ... drum roll ...

Runner-up:  Hank the Grocer

Winner: Lee the Barber.

Copyright ©  2021  Dave Hoplin