Mansplaining 2023 Edition

More Dave Mansplaining - Advice for the bewildered

Minnesota Fats from Nashville writes: I was doing great on my post-Christmas diet until about Jan 2nd. Advice please?

Dave writes: Well, Tennessee. Rotundness is kind of your meal ticket, so aspiring for slimness might be counter-productive to your career.  However, if a protruding belly is affecting your accuracy, try a sport that actually involves exercise.

Pamela from Perham writes: I have been told never to utter the word 'yes' during a phone call from an unknown caller. Can you fact-check that?

Dave writes: You betcha. Urban legend has it that when you utter in the affirmative into a phone, this response will be edited into recorded proof that you have agreed to buy a subscription to Boy's Life or perhaps an in perpetuity weekly political donation. Best advice is when you hear "can you hear me?", hang up.  Unless it's your mom.

Pierre from Le Sueur writes: I know that a vegan diet is better for you. Can you give me some guidance on giving up meat?

Dave writes: Excusez moi, aren’t $20 hamburgers enough incentive?  Word to the wise - don't go overboard with the green beans - remember, chocolate is also vegan. And wine. 

Odd Einar from Edina writes: I just moved into assisted living apartments and the odoriferous hallways are making me nauseous. What can I do?

Dave writes: How old are you Odd? It has bearing on what the noxious emissions might be and the remedies. Emanations of a certain toxicity are only remedied by moving out. Otherwise I recommend Vicks Vapor rub generously on the columella.

Tom from Hollywood Hills writes: I'm looking for a relaxing cruise to get away from it all. Got any recommendations?

Dave writes: Well, Tom. Cruising begets vertigo, possibly permanently. You might just destroy your franchise. You should avoid those impossible situations that are causing you such stress.  I'd recommend a couple weeks at the Cozy Rest ... you know, the place for mom.  Take Harrison along. It'll do you both wonders.

Dalrymple from Goose Pimple Junction writes: I am 35 years old and continue to pop embarrassing zits.  What can I do?

Dave writes: Dal, this almost certainly is stress related. e.g. warming oceans, Siberian permafrost melt releasing ancient viruses, empty western reservoirs, wars & rumors of war, explosives on a nuclear reactors, an upcoming election, fear of failure. There's a lot in this world to be stressed about. You could probably garner enough Instagram followers to support yourself with a daily headshot post to serve as a stress barometer - sort of a facial end-of-the-world clock. Failing this, a case of Clearasil perhaps.

Sam from Bentonville writes: Why do people so disrespect Walmart?

Dave writes:  Sam, I doubt you have ever been in a Walmart?

Warren from Omaha writes:  I have some land near Las Vegas for sale. Can I advertise this as ocean-front?

Dave writes: Well, I heard someone make that prediction recently, but it might be a bit premature. I suggest you blast out a boatload of social media posts requesting donations to preserve the property from flooding and you might hit paydirt.

Anxious from Funkley writes: What do you recommend for a college major suitable for these times?

Dave writes: As they say, do what you love and the world will come calling. Of course, that’s quatsch. Nevertheless, there is a lot to be said for pursuing a subject you love and I affirm your pursuit of knowledge. I would recommend a broad basket of subjects to start with. You might just bump into your life’s path. But …your first college lesson should be to avoid onerous borrowing from predatory lenders. Always remember “thems whats gots keeps”.  And thems on foodstamps who see others getting something they aren't will go ballistic, unless of course it’s subsidies for the very rich.

Anna from Annandale writes: My roommate bought a bird as a pet and it freaks me out when it flies through the kitchen. What to do?

Dave writes: Respectfully request that the fowl remain caged at all times. If that fails, say nothing but smile and carry a tennis racket around the apartment at all times. That failing, get yourself a pet - a cat perhaps. Also look for a new roommate.

Elon from Snailbrook writes: Hey, Dave.  I know you love to bike.  What do you think of electrics?

Dave writes: As commuter transportation, I'm all in. Much better than a Tesla. As an exercise device, I'm all out. I am sick of little old ladies zooming by me.

Grace from CalTech writes: Dave, do you know what "man-splaining" is?

Dave writes:  Ah, there is this ...

Lance from Houston writes: This heat is brutal.

Dave writes: Lance. Take a lesson from the Tour de France.  Temps hit 100° during the race today.  So follow the riders lead.  Tuck chilled water bottles in your shirt. Drape ice-filled pantyhose around your neck. Keep hydrated. Carry a color chart to test whether your urine indicates dehydration. Go naked, but use plenty of sunscreen. 

Byron from Buxton writes: The Twins are on record breaking strikeout pace? Can you fix this team?

Dave writes: Buck. I have been a (long suffering) Twins fan since inception in 1961.  Except for ‘65, ‘87, ‘91, with (slim) hope until the All Star break, then reality. But rarely would I condemn any Twins team for lack of effort. The 2023 team is that and more and it’s not just the 10+ strikeouts per game. It’s the indifference to them. There’s a “cock of the walk” strut headed back to the dugout after a 3rd strikeout of the night.  So .. to your question. What to do? 1) Nullify the Luis Arraez trade 2) Get Lewis, Polanco healthy & bench Buxton until he can play in centerfield 3) Release Gallo, Pagan 4) Fire the bullpen except for Duran and maybe Jax & Thielbar 5)  Fire Popkin. Get someone who will get rid of the strikeout upper cut swings and make Correa earn his keep. 6)  Fire the trainer. The number of fragile athletes is appalling  7)  Institute a youth movement. Play Larnach, Wallner, Julien, maybe Contreras or Kepler in CF  8) Leave the starters in the game for 7 innings  9) If after 30 second half games the team is not 5 games over .500, fire Baldelli  10) If the Twins tank like 2022, fire Falvey & Levine 11) Get rid of the ridiculous walleye vest

Axel from the tree house writes: Birdie with the yellow bill, hopped upon my window sill. Cocked his shining eye and said ...

Dave writes: You really need a bath - Mat. What did you do in St. Louis - Park? What did you do with the light - socket? What’s that in the road - a head?

Copyright ©  2023  Dave Hoplin

Butterfly Effect

In an apology explaining why long-range weather forecasting is so difficult, the meteorologist Edward Norton Lorenz is credited with coming up with the term "butterfly effect". In chaos theory, the butterfly effect is the "sensitive dependence on initial conditions in which a small change in one state of a deterministic nonlinear system can result in large differences in a later state. "  Or in layman's terms .. a butterfly flaps its wings in China, a tornado happens in Kansas.  

History is replete with butterfly flutters that changed its course.  Legend has it that Napoleon's hemorrhoids kept him off his horse and led to defeat at Waterloo.  The Watergate break in was discovered due to a piece of masking tape left covering a lock. Clouds over Kokura diverted an atomic bomb to Nagasaki. And one that hits close to home - a software patch crippled the Royal Bank of Scotland.  No transactions for 6 days. And here's a tip - never install Version 1.0 of anything.

And of course there are the "big butterflies", like Canadian fires or the Colorado River drying up or the Great Siberian Thaw awakening ancient viruses.  We might want to take notice.

But small things matter and as in the movie "A Wonderful Life", the impacts will rarely be revealed to you. I am willing to bet that you can recall some small action by someone in your life that made a big impact on you.  You might make it a point to thank them.  It might be a surprise visit from a friend or family member, a hug, a letter, a card or a phone call (or even a text, although I’m not a fan) arriving at just the right time. Maybe an unexpected gift of a little money when you really needed it, a job opportunity.

I had an uncle who seemed to have a sixth sense for people who needed some encouragement or for someone to just be there. Hence, unexpectedly, an invitation for a round of golf , a walkabout, a trip to the DQ, a hospital visit, a kind word,  ….

So, as they say, pay it forward; practice random acts of kindness; do unto to others as you would have them do unto you.  It's not my intention to become a cliche factory, but think about flapping your wings on occasion. 

Copyright ©  2023  Dave Hoplin