Poking the Bear

“If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy.” ― Dorothy Parker 

"The past is always tense, the future perfect"  - Zadie Smith

"A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one.” 
― Baltasar Gracián

English is screwy.  Speaking it is simple; little kids can do it. Written English is another story. Grammar, spelling and so, so many words to chose from.

As a blog author, I am of course concerned with proper grammar, mainly to avoid embarrassment. But some of you out their are overly sensitive to it’s misuse. You know whom you are (and so do I). This post’s for you, and all other grammaphobes. Your the target audience. Your head may literally explode. I expect that a some of you will require psychiatric care if you read to the end. 

Disclaimer: I will not accept any liability for personal injury.

OK, bare with me.  I think this might peak your interest.

First off, let’s get this ending a sentence with a supposition out of the way right away. No less then famed orator Winston Churchill has debunked this. “This is the type of arrant pedantry up with which I will not put.”

And give the power of the lowly comma it’s do. A panda walks into a bar. “Eats, shoots and leaves”. (Alternatively, “Eats shoots and leaves.”)

I love words and word play. I credit this that since before school age, my mother read to me. So, in gratitude, I throw mom from the present a kiss. Furthermore, I past grammar school, so I am imminently qualified to blogify - ponderous and frivolous, he writes his prose. I pledge to boldly split infinitives, to diligently endeavor to completely annoy you. Of course, theres really no consequences for these errors. So I go, threw the glass darkly.

I recently read Louise Erdich The Master Butchers Singing Club.  I thought of launching such a business but I would need a couple of tenors for sausages and a couple sopranos for liverwurst. Everyone are against the idea, so since I always be realistic, I should of known better and nipped the idea in the butt.

After decline for the past few months, I need some new strategies with my blog. Bloggers are always trying to increase readership. Thats the straw that beds the calf pen. But what could provide the desired affect? Maybe a dramatic change. I am determined to make my future posts more inciteful. However, I could care less about numbers. I know y'all like critics more than me.

So. How many grammar or usage errors did you count? Submit your answer. I will publish a markup and the professor's grade in a later post.

There remains the most contentious grammar dispute in the nation’s history.

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

 

“The question is whether the right to bear arms is related directly to service in a militia, or whether it’s an individual right conferred on every American. Opponents of gun control favor an individual rights reading, ignoring or minimizing the militia’s presence in the Second Amendment.”

When interpreting legal texts, including the Constitution, originalists insist on relying on original meaning at the time the law was adopted. Justice Antonin Scalia was the most well-known originalist on the Supreme Court. But Justice Roberts, Justice Alito, Justice Thomas and Justice Barrett are also associated with this view. It is certainly important to understand the Founders' intent as well as precedents through the years when deliberating a case. However,  I cannot accept that judges must defer to their understanding of those 1787 framers' intent and ignore contemporary frames of reference. Do you believe the Framers had “Citizens United” in mind when they included freedom of speech in the 1st amendment?

Nevertheless, what were the grammar rules in 1787 that the Constitution authors relied upon? (You must admit the 2nd amendment is an awkward sentence.) According to those 1787 grammar rules, the sentence structure of the 2nd amendment binds the right to bear arms to service in the militia.

Why does "A well regulated militia" introduce the amendment? Because the second part can’t happen without the first. Lindley Murray illustrates the structure in his school grammar published in 1795.  “His father dying, he succeeded to the estate.” Because the father dies, the son inherits. The 2nd amendment has the same cause and effect structure - because a well-regulated militia is necessary, the right to bear arms shall not be infringed  i.e. the right to keep and bear arms is essential for maintaining a militia. Additionally, the phrase "bear arms" was then and is today a term almost exclusively associated with the military. You do not "bear arms" against a gopher. 

For the record, I support the right to own a gun, but with some caveats.  I do not believe a private citizen should be able to purchase military style weaponry, large capacity magazines, untraceable ghost guns or be able to purchase a weapon without a background check (perhaps with a waiting period) or at unregulated gun shows. 

A recent Politico poll found that two-thirds of Americans favor common sense gun control.  83% support universal background checks. 76% support banning people on federal watch lists from owing a gun. 70% support a national database of gun sales.

Let's calm the waters and cool the inflammatory language. "They" are not coming for our guns. There are more guns (390 million) than people in the USA. Our children are being killed. Let's come together and pass reasonable laws that most people want. 

Copyright ©  2021  Dave Hoplin

Southpaws

“Southpaw” most often refers to a left-handed baseball pitcher. It stems from the orientation of most ballparks. Home plate to centerfield is usually west to east, which puts the leftie’s arm to the south. Never heard of a “Northpaw” however. 

Roughly 90% of the world’s population is right handed. I was born left-handed. Over the years I have converted, “encouraged” to surrender natural for awkward. Eat with the right hand to avoid bumping elbows with the person to your left, unless you're able to wrangle a seat on one of the two favorable table corners. Writing - awkward, unless you can write in Arabic or Hebrew. Baseball. Try finding a left handed glove in Pope County. Or a bat. But my left side remains dominant, so I can and do revert. But the world is unfair to “wrong handers”.

A good number of the world's countries drive on the left. Japan, UK as well as most of the Commonwealth (India, Australia, South Africa, ..). You might think this is an enlightened action favoring the left-handers of the world, since a driver on the car’s right-side must shift with the left hand.  But ... no.  Once again, it’s the exact opposite, another form of discrimination against southpaws. Left side driving has its roots in the age of knighthood. In the Middle Ages, since most knights were right-handed and King Arthur made the rules, he decreed, ride on the left so your sword arm is in ready position if you encounter a foe. You won't have to backhand him to death. Left handed knights had a short life expectancy and were especially awkward jousting. 

Right side driving countries’ right-of-way rules say, “right’s right”.

Why is “right” a synonym for “correct”? Right/Left.  Right/Wrong.  Wrong!

Why do we write left to right? Right-handers can see what they’re writing, lefties just smear up the page or curl their hand in an unnatural contortion to avoid it, leading to life-long wrist problems. And illegible backward slant sentences.

On a QWERTY keyboard, the weird letters (Q,W,Z,X,V) are allocated to the left hand. The right hand gets the happy letters (I,O,U).  Clear righty bias.

Why are there no left-handed catchers mitts at Dick’s? Is it any wonder Dale Long is the only modern era MLB left handed catcher?

Why do honored guests sit on the right?  Even God’s “Right Hand” is dominant! Sheep to the right. Goats to the left.

You rely on your "right hand man". "Right as rain." "Might makes right."  Tiring isn't it.

Where are the tools for left-handers? Scissors? Computer mouse? Skilsaw? Hammer? Guitar? Lecture hall desk? Bolt action rifle?

Two left feet? Really?

Sinister is Latin for left. Defamation.

Horse races are mostly run counter-clockwise. Why?  It’s easier for right-handed jockeys  Of course.

But .. some pluses for left-handers. 

• If you have a good throwing arm, you can pitch in the Majors until you’re 50. 
• In Buddhism, the left hand represents wisdom.
• 6 of the past 12 Presidents have been left-handed.
• Lefties are better fighters. The surprise left hook.
• Lefties recover faster from a stroke.
• It's better to be picked 2nd to last as left fielder, rather than last for right field.

This, as I hope you recognized, is mostly tongue-in-cheek, although it is in fact a right handed world. But, real, damaging discrimination in this country is undeniable. I am privileged. I have not suffered overt discrimination in my life. But even the smallest of slights have impact. I was entering a Chicago hotel elevator with my young family and a mink stoled socialite commented: "This used to be such a fine hotel". To my credit, I swallowed my response. My kids were with me. But, to think this snooty remark still irks me 50 years later says something about me, but also about the power of words to offend. So consider the small (or large) slights you have felt (or perpetrated) - I know you remember them - and consider with compassion what many in this country endure daily. Let's vow to be kind and respect each other.

Copyright ©  2021  Dave Hoplin

KCMT

This is part 2 of 7 of my Marcel Proust imitation of "A La Recherche' Du Temps Perdu"  (Remembrance of Things Past)

Mine is the first generation immersed in television from early childhood. I am tempted to say raised on television. Television's effect on my generation was comparable to social media's on Gen Z. It changed our understanding of the world.

I think we got our first TV about 1956, a 17” black and white Setchel-Carlson that sat on a metal stand. The closest broadcast stations were 150 miles away in Minneapolis/St Paul. The first station was TV pioneer Stanley Hubbard’s KSTP followed by WTCN (which became WCCO). KMSP and KTCA completed the lineup. 

We had an antenna tower that stood along the south side of our house like a windmill and extended 20 feet or so above the roof line. The antenna position was controlled from the inside by a rotor which turned the antenna to the optimal reception position. Optimal was generally not too good. Reception tended to be “spotty”. The weather conditions needed to be much better than normal to get a clear picture, preferably cloudless with a SE wind. But be not dismayed - I happily watched Lassie running through the snow or Ramar of the Jungle in a blizzard, fiddling with the rotor all the while. But my favorites were "Victory at Sea", WWII US Navy documentaries on late Sunday afternoons followed by Edward R. Murrow's "See It Now". Reception in the evenings tended to improve, at times good enough to recognize Ed Sullivan on his "really big shew" or watch Pa, Hoss, Adam and Little Joe save Nevada from the bad guys. 

It wasn't until October of 1958 that the area got a dependable TV station. KCMT (Central Minnesota Television), Channel 7, broadcasting NBC programming from Alexandria. (Huntley-Brinkley instead of Walter Cronkite,  Jack Benny instead of I Love Lucy). The miraculous TV tower near Westport became a local tourist attraction soaring 1200' skyward. That changed everything. Once you get a reliably clear picture it’s hard to tolerate a fuzzy one. Color TV was years away.

KCMT introduced local on air personalities soon to become familiar and admired. Glenn Flint & Jon Haaven, news anchor. Jim Syrdal, weatherman, Bud Gorham, sports desk endearing itself to the area by focusing on high school sports. (No Twins or Vikings yet). "Welcome Inn" was a live, popular late afternoon talk show co-hosted by Natalie Johnson & Jon Haaven, plugging local events and people and occasionally featuring Jimmy Jensen singing "Walking in My Winter Underwear". That's about as edgy as it got. (You can probably find a parody of it on YouTube somewhere). And local filler broadcasts ("Echoes From Calvary","AFL-CIO Program") and public service announcements - and each night at midnight the national anthem and a test pattern.

Weekday mornings were Captain Kangaroo, not Sesame Street. 

And Saturdays, what a smorgasbord. Start off with cartoons - Bullwinkle, Yogi Bear, Huckleberry Hound. Then cowboys - Hopalong Cassidy, Roy Rogers, Lone Ranger, Cisco Kid & Sky King.  And Fury, the black stallion. In the afternoon, baseball’s Game of the Week with the inimitable and prone to malaprop Dizzy Dean doing the color: “They ain’t gonna get nobody!” (American teachers appealed to the FCC to get Dizzy fired. He was setting a bad grammatical example for children. Dizzy defended himself: “A lot of folks who ain’t sayin‘’ain’t’, ain’t eatin’. So, Teach, you learn ‘em English, and I’ll learn ‘em baseball.”)

Weekday late mornings and early afternoons were dominated by soaps. Guiding Light (15 min episodes), As the World Turn (1st to experiment with 30 min episodes). But at 4:30 we tuned in Clellan Card as Axel & His Dog (Towser) telling corny jokes, riddles and knock-knocks from the treehouse. “What’s that in the road? A head?” And of course we could not miss the comprehensive news coverage on the 15 minute Huntley Brinkley Report at 5:30. Goodnight, Chet. Goodnight, David. Followed by local news, weather, sports & community billboard. (6:00, 6:10, 6:15, 6:20).

Evenings were dominated by cowboys, comedy, variety shows and doctors  Wagon Train, Bonanza, Have Gun Will Travel, The Virginian. Dr. Kildare, Ben Casey. The Honeymooner’s, Father Knows Best, Leave It To Beaver, Jack Benny, Ed Sullivan, Dinah Shore (see the USA in your Chevrolet), Perry Como, Milton Berle, Red Skelton, Jimmy Durante (goodnight Mrs. Calabash wherever you are). 

I liked “What’s My Line?” with Dorothy Killgalen, Bennett Cerf , Steve Allen & Arlene Francis, a 20 questions style quiz show trying to guess a some person's occupation and then as blindfolded panelists trying to guess the identity of a famous contestant.

And I was amazed by contestants knowledge on "21" and "$64,00 Question"  - until it was disclosed they were provided answers in advance. (I watch Jeopardy these days)

Early TV.  Pretty primitive, but we ate it up.

Chime in.  What's your favorite childhood TV show? 

Copyright ©  2021  Dave Hoplin